Austin, TX –
A political independent who donated once to a political campaign, Kimberly Parker, was unaware that she had entered a contract with every political campaign ever when she clicked the Donate button on a candidate’s website. Within a month of donating $25 to a candidate she truly believed would represent her stance on the issues, Parker received three emails from other candidates, two of whom were from out of state, asking her for her support monetarily as well. This, however, was only the beginning of a deluge.
“I get about four every day now,” Parker reported. “I looked into it, and there’s no way to unsubscribe. I send them all to a folder, but then I have to clear everything out every once in a while or it clogs up my storage. When are they going to stop?” She was unaware until this interview that they would be arriving every day until the universe reaches a state of maximum entropy and all available energy is depleted, resulting in the heat death of all existing things. Scientists estimate this will occur in 10,000 years.
What adds insult to injury is that each e-mail, Parker says, is the same. Based on a cursory look at only fifty of the e-mails received by Parker in the last two weeks, the template is:
Hello [name],
Did you see the article about [current political issue] in [newspaper that we both presumably think is an unbiased source]? [Political figure we both presumably disagree with] is taking unprecedented steps towards [causing further problems on
We need your help to send [candidate] to [state capital/Washington DC] to take action and stop [political figure mentioned above] from [his/her] attack on [some form of political freedom]. Click the button below to donate and help [candidate]’s grassroots campaign!
[Candidate] for [Political Seat] [Year]
[Name of Treasurer]
As of publishing date, these e-mails are slated to be sent to her by every political candidate, regardless of political affiliation, until William Thomson, Lord Kelvin’s theory based on the second law of thermodynamics proves true under a positive cosmological constant and the endless expansion of the universe results in a collision of energy that annihilates all things. A chance remains, in the possibility that another universe may be created from the heat death, that a similar cycle of e-mails will begin in the far-flung future of yet unknown worlds, only to be deleted as quickly as they arrive.
By Kate Evans