Lebanon, OR —

With a listing price of “$800 OBO,” local renter Bill Wolfgang announced he was flexible in what would be an acceptable trade for a 6×8 sectional couch that he once ejaculated on. “I’m not ashamed to be selling it,” he told reporters. “The fact that I would even consider offers outside of my listed price speaks to my ethics as a seller. Just look at this baby. It’s large, comfortable, and almost spotless.”

Wolfgang described the couch’s condition as “gently used” and claimed to have owned it for four years. “Just because I once made sweet, poorly-planned love on this near-virgin couch, it should not sully the buyer’s experience. After all, in a sense, aren’t we all sperm?”

“You have to assume anything bought on the internet has bodily fluids on it, whether it’s a sofa or a vintage scarf,” Wolfgang admitted. “The fact that it’s only been jizzed on once in the four years I’ve owned it is actually a testament to how much I care about the upkeep of my furniture. Anyway, I feel confident that my clear message about flexible pricing will atone for any buyer’s remorse people may feel upon finding the crispy patch of fabric.” The listing ended with an extra statement of all offers considered, this time in all capital letters, followed by recommendations for matching couch covers.

By William Boffa, Image Edit: William Boffa