Arlington, Virginia —

In a surprise statement issued by the Public Broadcasting Service, regret was expressed by the organization that they have played a key role in the propagation of the belief that you can be anything you want to be. This has particularly impacted the demographic currently being between the ages of 30 and 45 years.

“We express our deepest sympathy for the families that have been torn apart by the ridiculous notion that we can all be anything we want to be,” a spokesman told reporters. “Shows like Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, Mister Rogers’, and even Painting with Bob Ross have carried on the ludicrous notion that the sky is the limit.”

The spokesman went on to read that, “You can be anything you want, but oh — not that. Some of you are never going to be an astronaut or a famous drummer, and you’re going to have to get over that. Statistically, at least 75% of you will end up supporting the economy with a menial job you hate. Your paintings are hideous. Perhaps you are a happy little accident. You can’t be a veterinarian if you pass out at the sight of blood. Keep at it, though, but maybe also pursue other endeavors. Have you tried driving a truck? The U.S. is currently very short on truck drivers.”

PBS ensured they would continue to air all sorts of beloved and delusional programming for years to come, despite the damage they have wrought — but only if viewers like you donate.

By Emily Sanchez