“As of midnight on the eve of St. Patrick's Day, we’ve painted the lights in all four-point intersections green to look like shamrocks and bring the luck of the Irish!”
“I was horrified to hear that some people spend this hallowed day intoxicated. If you think I'd want my establishments open and slinging beers to the masses, think again,” scoffed Paul Wilson, who manages some of the most iconic Irish pubs in Boston.
Sources who were present said the merciless, overgrown Congresswoman stomped through the offices, hearing rooms, and hallways of the Capitol, randomly snatching helpless Representatives, Senators, and aides, then loudly crunching their limp frames between her sharp, massive teeth, in between spitting out huge tendrils of deadly flames and bellowing “SOCIALISM! TAXES!”
"Every time we make eye contact, I shudder, as though it's undressing me with its eyes. Not just me, but my storefront, my interior decor – like it wants to strip it all down and have its way with it."
"What I lack in a voting record, I make up for in sheer, devastating handsomeness."
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"Free-Spirited, Outdoorsy, and Self-Employed" Tinder date...