Cedar Rapids, IA —

Noticing an increased tension in her head, shoulders, and tits, local woman Dawn Klein purchased an essential oil diffuser through her Amazon Prime account. “I always thought that these things were hippy nonsense, like salt lamps, but I have a friend who loves hers, and she’s always pretty chill. When I got one, I sensed an immediate calming of my nippular regions,” Klein told reporters by the glow of her new salt lamps, in between deep inhalations of lavender and peppermint.

“There are all these different combinations,” Klein explained, wild-eyed. “Some oils are stimulating, some are relaxing. There’s one that smells like Christmas. I don’t know how they do it, but all of a sudden I’m right there baking cookies with the baby Jesus. I’m definitely going to be getting some salt lamps, probably some healing crystals too.”

Klein’s family has confirmed that her boobal areas, indeed, seemed to have mellowed. “Now, when she loses it over a stack of dirty dishes, she just gets out her oils, performs some witch-like spell, and she’s once again tolerable, dare I say enjoyable,” reported Klein’s husband.

At press time Klein was experimenting with basil, grapefruit, and something called “vetiver” to help her focus long enough to wrap her head around the nonsense her husband just told reporters.

By Emily Cohen, Image: Emily Sanchez

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