Saying that Americans are facing ever-increasing healthcare expenses, health insurers announced today that they would begin covering their subscribers for injuries suffered while breaking into pharmacies to steal their prescriptions.

“There is a wall separating people from their prescriptions,” said Heather Kolodney, spokesperson for national health insurer Kaiser-Permanente. “And that wall is the outside of your local drugstore pharmacy.”

Dr. Leonard Cogan, a trauma surgeon at New York City’s Mount Sinai Hospital, told reporters that serious injuries caused by “tossing a brick through a pharmacy window at 3 a.m., crawling through the jagged hole, and clawing open locked pharmacy drawers with a crowbar to get at necessary prescriptions” were up by 158% in the tri-state area alone.

Mona Wakely-Fishman, spokesperson for Eli Lily Pharmaceuticals, described the new coverage as “appalling and blatantly illegal,” and called upon Congress to outlaw it immediately. She added, “Insurance shouldn’t cover people for stealing our products. Unless they’re also going to cover the many people who incur injuries fleeing their doctor’s office in a speeding getaway car after forcing their physician to treat them at gunpoint.”

Insurers are reminding people to provide good documentation if they expect to be granted this new coverage.

By Joe Lichtblau