Jacumba Hot Springs, CA —

After getting caught crossing the Mexican border illegally into the United States, a group of immigrants wanted to assure American citizens that they were only passing through, and are actually on their way to Canada. “Why would we ever want to stay in some shithole country that lacks universal healthcare and common decency?” one migrant told a translator. “People here just want to eat our food, but don’t want anything to do with us, and they always yell at us to speak only English when they can barely fucking use proper grammar themselves!” Many immigrants find Canada more appealing not only for their healthcare system, but because people there understand the importance of being bilingual. Canadians also have a reputation for being all-around decent folks, with their “eh’s” and “sorry’s” unlike the clusterfuck, up-their-own-asses of a nation that is south of them. Even the people originally seeking asylum in the United States have decided to bypass this country, setting their sites instead on the prosperous nation that oozes hockey, maple syrup, and poutine, stating that at this point the U.S. just felt a little too close to what they had left behind.

By Zach Englund