Philadelphia, PA —

Despite his hopes that dinner out would relax his wife enough to take a break from nonstop babbling, Pennsylvania resident Jim Fields was still forced to listen to endless chatter from the second they sat down.

“She started with recapping how hard it was to park the car,” said Fields. “And at first I could commiserate. Then she went on about crumbs on our table. Next, a long story about her sister’s Pap smear, followed by lots of details about our electric bill or something. My eyes started to glaze over but she just kept going, even talking over the waiter when he came to ask if I wanted a fourth drink.”

Before the entrées even arrived, Fields’ wife, Holly Love, had thoroughly covered topics such as her difficulty pooping this morning, the pros and cons of getting a water softener, the number of steps she took every day for the past two weeks, how hard it was to choose her last manicure color, how fascinating it is that you can pause live TV, and a dream she had last night about toothpaste brands.

She also mentioned that the supermarket moved the scallions over by the cauliflower, if you can believe that. Fields, in fact, could believe it. “I started to black out a little when she moved on to the most recent plot of ‘Will and Grace’,” he continued. “I ordered spicy food so she would just think my tears were because of the jalapeños.”

The waiter was just about to show the couple the dessert tray when Fields blurted out, “CHECK, PLEASE.”

By Holly Love, Photo By Holly Love