As a white woman, nothing ruffles my feathers like seeing fellow Caucasians engaging in cultural appropriation. I see it every day, from white women with dreads to my stepdad and the Aztecan print shirts he loves so much. It has to stop!

Now, no one has asked me to take charge of this cause, but as an ally, they didn’t have to. I know when my help is needed. That’s why I started my solution to cultural appropriation: The Cultural Segregation Society! Our club meets up every day at 3 pm next to the Sbarro at the mall. Here we are at one of our outings.

We, as white allies, are obligated to stop the pervasiveness of cultural appropriation that has plagued this country. Our mission is to provide a safe space where each culture can thrive. I’m talking black restaurants! Mexican drinking fountains! Asian buses! Okay, I’ve never seen an Asian person taking the bus, but that’s probably because they never felt comfortable due to our appropriation of Samsung devices. That’s right, white people! Samsung is not for us. Their devices should only be used by Koreans. I tried to ask my neighbor, Haru, about the rage he must feel deep inside, but it turns out that he’s actually Japanese and also not very receptive to my empathy regarding his cultural plight.

I started The Cultural Segregation Society just six months ago, and I’ve already gotten some amazing feedback. One African-American woman I met at Denny’s called me a White Knight. It truly was an honor! She was a sweet woman who insisted she didn’t need me standing up for her or her people, after I attempted to seat her in the special Blacks Only section of the restaurant that I had roped off for her. Unfortunately, she was already too brainwashed by appropriation and refused.

I won’t stop until there is no more mixing of styles, traditions, or language. Until each race has a chance to thrive on their own, without the colonialist influences of this disgusting melting pot of a country. In cases like Tiger Woods, where ethnicity is mixed, a coin toss may be warranted. Unfortunately, golf is a Scottish sport, so he will need to pursue a more culturally-appropriate occupation. Five Masters titles is enough.

Just thinking about this beautiful, progressive utopia gives me chills. This is it. This is the answer. The only solution to cultural appropriation is total cultural segregation. 

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that racial segregation has already been attempted in the past, and let’s just say – it did not go well. So I have decided to step down as the head of the Cultural Segregation Society and am happy to announce that I am now the founder of the Cultural Elimination Society. I will not rest until I erase all culture from this country. People will be stripped of their individualities. I’m talking shaved heads and drab uniforms! Everyone will be housed in the same living quarters! No one has ever thought of an idea this progressive before.

By CarolAnn Liebelt