Boston, MA —
In an outright affront to the nation, thousands of people took to the streets in an act of civil unrest that didn’t even have anything to do with sports.
Many local residents called the behavior uncivilized and abhorrent. “When I saw there was some rioting going on, I was excited to learn which sports team had won a championship,” local sports enthusiast Christopher Jordan told us. “But then I heard that the rioters were just people who didn’t feel represented by our democracy, and I was immediately repulsed. These clowns need a better way to get their point across, whatever their point is — I don’t care.”
The damage has left homeowners dismayed. “It wasn’t that they set my mailbox on fire,” said Boston native Mary Flynn. “It’s that they didn’t even cheer for a team while they did it.” A bemused neighbor reported, “There’s been a guy on my lamp post for six hours now. If it’s not even related to the Red Sox, Celtics or Bruins, what does he even want?”
The police force has justified its use of militarized equipment to subdue the rioters. “We understand people are angry about some of the unarmed-civilian-shooty stuff that’s been going on,” said police chief Jack Driver, “but you can’t just go out and make fools of yourselves. You have to wait for the guy with the ball to get it in the thing, and then you are allowed to go out and flip some cars. Only under those circumstances will we not throw flashbangs at you.” The chief ended his conference with several reminders to keep all property damage related to “sports, Independence Day, and Black Friday” and reassured listeners why they should be grateful to live in such a wonderful country.
By Zach Englund