Bismarck, ND —

The music application Pandora, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that you are very clearly white. The first factor in its decision lies in the name of the station you created: Wilco Radio. You probably decided you wanted background music on while you worked on spreadsheets that no one will see that you do for fun and chose music that only people who toss around the word “milquetoast” listen to as your key aim.

As you know, the station was obligated to play you Wilco, as well as solo music by frontman Jeff Tweedy. Alongside this, Pandora began to test your whiteness. First, it checked if you were interested in depressing white guy group The National, which may only slightly redeem you because non-white guy President Barack Obama is a fan. The “thumbsup” on two or three songs by this band encouraged Pandora to continue checking the depths of your racial predisposition.

Extremely white bands Spoon and Yo La Tengo were thrown at you to verify whether or not you give awkward smiles to people you daily run across. You passed this test by continuing to tap the “thumbsup” button. This is your jam.

Enthusiastic approval of Sufjan Stevens’ music put the nail in the blindingly white coffin. By this point, you have likely noticed you have not heard music that couldn’t be piped into a Starbucks.

At press time, the station took a risk and played Let’s Get It On to see if you can pop a pale boner to music by black artists.

By Kate Evans