Flagstaff, AZ —

Lamenting that her busy schedule has been preventing her from doing the things she used to love, 41-year-old realtor Anne Patterson lamented that she just doesn’t have the time to sleep with every person who sends her a new friend request on Facebook. “It’s a shame when the things you used to enjoy suddenly don’t seem to fit into your life anymore. I used to be really good at engaging with my new friends, but now I’m lucky if I can sleep with one or two per week.” Patterson trudges through an ever-increasing list of new friends. “I usually start with the ones who personally message me ‘Hi there beautiful’ and have sex with them first, but there’s only so much time in a day, and I really hate disappointing people. I just don’t want them to think I’m rude, you know?” At press time, Jared from Toronto was sending her a series of dick pics knowing that once she sees his sweet piece, “She’ll find the time.”

By Emily Cohen