In a rare act of solidarity and bipartisanship, U.S. lawmakers have agreed to do absolutely nothing of significance to prevent another school shooting. “It was a difficult decision,” said Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell, “but when we gathered after the big Easter weekend to truly reflect on Columbine, and we finally stopped talking and truly listened to each other, we realized the answer was right in front of our faces. We do nothing. It’s a decision that both sides of the aisle really got behind.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi added, “It just feels so good to admit that the best way to serve our constituents is by staying in power. You know which politicians lose power? The ones who do something.”

By Emily Sanchez