Kensington Palace, England –

With the world abuzz in anticipation for Prince Harry’s and Meghan Markle’s first royal baby, Kate Middleton was overheard courteously reminding Meghan that her child will never be the monarch.

“Yes, your little angel is going to be incredibly adorable, with their perfect, ageless skin tone, and a head of hair thicker than poor William ever had in his life,” said Kate quietly. “It’s unfortunate that they’ll never come close to anything resembling a king or queen, but oh well – we take the cards we’re dealt! I had an aunt who didn’t get to be queen, and she turned out fine! I can’t remember her name, of course—no one really gets remembered unless they’re a monarch—but the important thing is that your child is happy and healthy! Not that the only throne they will sit on is a lavatory. In fact, I’ve already nicknamed your child ‘Seventh.’ But that’s completely beside the point!”

Kate went on to discuss the miracle of birth. “Oh Meghan, the experience of delivering this beautiful, little being is an indescribable joy. It all becomes so real once you see your baby’s head start to appear. What do they call that part again, the crowning? It’s so peculiar to think that one day one of my children will receive the royal crowning and preside over all of this. Oh dear, there I go again. Well, just remember, Harry loves you and will be your support through all of this!”

When Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, tried to change the topic to music, Kate began describing her love for the pop star Lorde. “She’s brilliant. What’s that famous song she did? Something something…it don’t run in your blood…you can call me Queen B…you’re living in a fantasy…you’ll never be royals? Anyway, she’s just splendid!”

When the atmosphere became tense, Kate tried to lighten her tone. “If you want the truth, I envy you. Your life might sound mediocre to some, but do you know what’s really stressful? Knowing that I’m going to be a head of state one day, followed by my children, and their children, forever and ever. I wish I could afford to not care about what people think or how I look, like you do. Actually, it’s the only thing I cannot currently afford. You people just don’t know how easy you have it. You, Harry, that street sweeper over there – all of you lot. In a strange way, it is you who are the privileged ones. Now finish your tea, dear.”

By Catricia, Emily Sanchez, and William Boffa