Today, cheese-enthusiasts' minds were blown when Kraft Foods Group, Inc. announced they would be introducing their first ever drinkable cheese. “We’re excited to launch our Probiotic Queso Smoothie. Our consumers' digestive health is important to us, and we wanted a product that reflects this."
Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden now leads Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and all other Democratic candidates by 50 points, according to a new poll made exclusively on rotary phones.
This confusing and slightly unnerving notification was made worse when CEO, Shantanu Narayen, began to descend into a monologue about the coming singularity that this "final update" would bring, and how this update would be "revolutionary" to man and machine alike.
"Say food production goes down. The price of food skyrockets. You know whose problem that is? Poor people's. Floods? That's a problem if you're on the ground. Not if you're a hardworking American who can afford to build a 100-foot lighthouse."
"It was all going so good until Eric got so excited that he kicked over the grill."
"We are in love," Waltham told Huntsman's parents. "And he's not in my class this year, I only had him last year for 7th grade pre-Algebra. So this isn't even impacting his grade."
“Nigel comes across as this obnoxious, rude person who you’re embarrassed to be around anywhere, ever. But then, as you get to know him, you realize he is much more God-awful than that. By the way, if you see him, please remind him that he owes me $572.”