Jersey City, NJ —

Seven commoners who failed to cede the sidewalk are deservedly dead today, after perishing beneath the wheels of jogging mommy Gillian Siegel’s double-wide baby stroller.

Witnesses on the scene described a devastating collision between upper-class entitlement and fat, slow plebeians that left Ms. Siegel’s societal standing in a horribly mangled heap.

“The poor woman was metaphorically crushed,” said bystander Dave Buttomer, describing Ms. Siegel’s emotional reaction to the potential stigma and embarrassment of being involved in a multiply fatal encounter. 

Others on the scene described Ms. Siegel’s ego as “bloodied and disfigured beyond recognition” by the accident. 

“This is what happens,” said Chief of Police Michael Kelly, “when mere pedestrians fail to understand the rules of elite privilege and refuse to jump out of the way of their oncoming betters. These seven low status individuals have needlessly subjected Ms. Siegel to permanent trauma by dying in front of her, and have probably made her baby carriage unsellable in the second-hand market. It’s shameful.”

By Joe Lichtblau