Bloomington, IL —
Michael Tipsord, CEO of insurance giant State Farm, has been making headlines this week for his controversial revelation that the entire company was founded solely to pay homage to the USSR’s agricultural sector reforms.
“In the 1920s, when State Farm was founded, there were food shortages in Russia. The great Stalin launched a violent offensive against the rich land owners who were hoarding all the grain. This turned a nation of individual exploitative farms into one collective, prosperous…State Farm. We thought that was just so great, we decided to make an auto insurance company in honor of it. From car insurance to mutual funds, everything we do, we do for Papa Joe. May the kulaks rot in their graves.” – Michael Tipsord, CEO of State Farm.
When Tipsord was asked how this agrarian policy related in any way to an insurance company, he doubled down on his beliefs. “I don’t get why people are surprised to hear this. We have nothing to do with states or farms. Communists are the guys with state farms. This philosophy has guided us on every level, from the boardroom down to the janitors. We would absolutely resort to violence if it meant giving the people true liberation – liberation from our competitors’ exorbitant fees and poor customer service, that is. We believe that Lenin, Stalin, and even Trotsky would have approved of our business model and corporate social responsibility initiatives. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there to crush capitalism.”
The interviewer asked, “Do your anti-capitalist beliefs interfere with your job at a large corporation?”
“Look,” continued Tipsord, “it’s like China. Sometimes, in order to build socialism, you have to play the game, embrace the markets, and accumulate wealth and power. But rest assured: Our goal is to guide the masses through their class struggle, provide them a revolutionary outlook drawn from Marxism, and ultimately, to completely smash the bourgeoisie. And if we’re able to offer auto insurance discounts and competitive rates in the meantime – well, what a gift to the proletariat that is.”