Bloomington, IL —

Michael Tipsord, CEO of insurance giant State Farm, has been making headlines this week for his controversial revelation that the entire company was founded solely to pay homage to the USSR’s agricultural sector reforms.

“In the 1920s, when State Farm was founded, there were food shortages in Russia. The great Stalin launched a violent offensive against the rich land owners who were hoarding all the grain. This turned a nation of individual exploitative farms into one collective, prosperous…State Farm. We thought that was just so great, we decided to make an auto insurance company in honor of it. From car insurance to mutual funds, everything we do, we do for Papa Joe. May the kulaks rot in their graves.” – Michael Tipsord, CEO of State Farm.

When Tipsord was asked how this agrarian policy related in any way to an insurance company, he doubled down on his beliefs. “I don’t get why people are surprised to hear this. We have nothing to do with states or farms. Communists are the guys with state farms. This philosophy has guided us on every level, from the boardroom down to the janitors. We would absolutely resort to violence if it meant giving the people true liberation – liberation from our competitors’ exorbitant fees and poor customer service, that is. We believe that Lenin, Stalin, and even Trotsky would have approved of our business model and corporate social responsibility initiatives. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there to crush capitalism.”

The interviewer asked, “Do your anti-capitalist beliefs interfere with your job at a large corporation?”

“Look,” continued Tipsord, “it’s like China. Sometimes, in order to build socialism, you have to play the game, embrace the markets, and accumulate wealth and power. But rest assured: Our goal is to guide the masses through their class struggle, provide them a revolutionary outlook drawn from Marxism, and ultimately, to completely smash the bourgeoisie. And if we’re able to offer auto insurance discounts and competitive rates in the meantime – well, what a gift to the proletariat that is.”

One thought on “State Farm Admits Company Name Is A Tribute To Stalin’s Forced Collectivization Of Agriculture

  1. I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
    No, I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
    Well, I wake up in the morning
    Fold my hands and pray for rain
    I got a head full of ideas
    That are drivin’ me insane
    It’s a shame
    The way she makes me
    Scrub the floor
    I ain’t gonna work on, nah
    I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s brother no more
    Nah, I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s brother no more
    Well, he hands you a nickel
    And he hands you a dime
    And he asks you with a grin
    If you’re havin’ a good time
    Then he fines you every time you slam the door
    I ain’t gonna work for, nah
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s brother no more
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s pa no more
    No, I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s pa no more
    Well, he puts his cigar
    Out in your face just for kicks
    His bedroom window
    It is made out of bricks
    The National Guard stands around his door
    I ain’t gonna work, nah
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s pa no more
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s ma no more
    No, I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s ma no more
    Well, she talks to all the servants
    About man and God and law
    And everybody says
    She’s the brains behind pa
    She’s sixty-eight, but she says she’s twenty-four
    I ain’t gonna work for, nah
    I ain’t gonna work for Maggie’s ma no more

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