Erie, PA —

Former investment banker Jacob Baker has been forced to settle into a new lifestyle. He and his wife, Gretchen, along with their three children lived a modest life in the suburbs. “We got by,” Baker said. “We couldn’t afford many luxuries, but the kids were never starving or anything.”

Then two years ago Baker lost his job. “We were a little worried at first,” said Gretchen, “but we thought he would be able to get another job.” Unfortunately, after three long weeks of looking and having no luck, Jacob Baker gave up. “I was embarrassed at first. I didn’t tell the wife or kids,” he said. “I never thought I would ever need welfare. And I didn’t think the family would be able to make it. But once we got that EBT card… well, things started to change.”

“I went shopping immediately because we had gone through almost all the food we had,” Mrs. Baker explained. “I decided that since we were not actually paying, I would get lobster and steaks. And that is what we started eating all the time,” she beamed. “We would mix it up sometimes. You know, like ribs instead of steak. Or some fresh ahi tuna or King Crab legs.”

“As soon as we started eating like this I realized how stupid I was for working all those years,” Baker admitted while pouring a glass of Champagne. “But it is starting to get old. Sometimes, I start craving some ramen noodles or mac and cheese. The things I used to eat back when I had a job. And while these expensive wines taste pretty good, I miss sipping on a Milwaukee’s Best Light after a long day.”

His wife agreed saying, “The kids asked for bologna the other day. And I had to tell them it was either Kobe beef burgers and salmon or foie gras and caviar. Things used to be a lot simpler.”

At the end of the interview, Baker received a call on his brand new iPhone X about employment. And even though they are going to have to give up some things, like cable and internet, and stop saving money for the kids to go to college, he decided to take the job.

By Ethan Moore