Following his Supreme Court trial and subsequent sentencing of 35 life sentences with no parole, Buddhist serial killer Wangpo Tenzin Rinpoche stated, “The American court system has no regards for my religion’s beliefs. A Christian gets the same sentence and they only have to carry out one – maybe three – life sentences, and then they’re probably off to heaven. But me? I have to figure what to do with myself in prison, reincarnation after reincarnation. THIRTY. FIVE. TIMES. God damn it.”

At press time, Rinpoche was discussing with the warden about what karma will likely dictate as his next transformation. “We’ve narrowed Mr. Rinpoche’s possibilities down to an earwig or a whale,” the warden reported. “We sure as shit hope it’s not the latter. The logistics of a sizeable tank and the rigorous feeding schedule of a giant aquatic mammal will throw our budget off for years.”

By Andrew Froese