Austin, TX —

A troubling report out of Facebook today revealed that, as suspected, absolutely no one will be liking the song you just posted. Despite almost 700,000 people viewing the song on YouTube, by sheer coincidence, it appears that not a single person on your friends list gives a shit. Although you were initially hopeful that someone would come to the rescue sooner or later, on a deeper level, you understood that this post was destined to spend all of eternity foresaken.

In these instances, it’s common for users to assume that the Facebook algorithm just hid their post from a lot of people, leading no one to see it. In fact, behind-the-scenes insights revealed that every single friend noticed your post, opted to ignore it, and made a conscious judgment about you.

The report also found that it was pretty self-indulgent of you to post music, anyway. No one’s going to give up four minutes of their time just because you put a link in front of them. They don’t care if the song helped you through a breakup once. They don’t care at all. Why would you post this and not, I don’t know, memes? This is just like that time you wrote a love song for your ex and she just kind of went “aww.”

Experts strongly recommend against posting music ever again. At this point, you’re one more failed post away from your page resembling one of those tragic profiles with barren post after barren post, which is one step away from a weirdo on public transport blaring loud music to the indifference and irritation of the world. Instead, the recommended response is to wait until you have to drive your friends somewhere, then have this song lined up in your car, in such a way that it starts playing one minute into your trip. Then you can literally force them to finally hear the song you posted while pretending this wasn’t all part of some calculated plan.

It’s coming up to the 24-hour mark now. Yep…yep…yep! Still no one.

2 thoughts on “Report: Yep, Looks Like No One Will Be Liking Song You Posted

  1. I’d share this post but deep down I know it’s just futile…