Paris, France —
Facing a growing national debt and shrinking tax revenue, President Trump has made inquiries with France about their return policy on Louisiana.
“Look, I’ll be honest,” said Trump. “I’m in the hole pretty bad. I’ve got $22 trillion I need to pay off ASAP. What’s your warranty on Louisiana? We only bought the thing off you 200 years ago and it’s clearly broken. We’re thinking it’d be easier to just return it, or replace it with a territory of equal value.”
French President Macron eluded Trump’s questions, saying it was “silly” and “impossible” to simply refund an entire state. But Trump cited Louisiana’s high rates of poverty, obesity, and racism as evidence of being sold a faulty product. “It’s a disaster,” Trump exclaimed. “It just doesn’t work. They’ve gone through, like, 11 State Constitutions and they’re still losers. If anyone knows a bad deal, it’s me. I’ve made thousands of them. I ought to sue you for trying to pass off such bad real estate. France was being a bunch of bad actors and you know it. Just hand us over the $15 million, and you can move back in, no questions asked.”
France’s Minister of Foreign Affairs was open to making a return, seeing a potential strategic geopolitical advantage in regaining territory in North America. But he immediately walked back any proposals upon his official visit to the state, after witnessing an “obscene spectacle of deep-fried food, guns, the upcoming passage of a ‘heartbeat bill,’ and—worst of all—country music.”
By William Boffa