Local grandfather Edward Smith sat down with his grandson to tell one of his most beloved stories. Little did young Wyatticus know, Grandpa used to be a fighter. And not just any fighter: He actually went out there and fought the Nazis.

Grandpa began to set the scene. It was a crazy time. Ammunition was being flung all over the frontiers. Both sides made great advancements, but suffered tragic losses. Americans were forced to make alliances with the Communists. There were personal attacks, and some real deaths. Pepe memes. Savage tweets coming right and left.

Of course, this was way back when. It’s ancient history now. It’s been at least two months.

Although the 2019 Twitter Battle of Christchurch is too long ago for anyone to really remember it or care anymore, it was still a painful time for the many soldiers like Grandpa who took to the internet to defend freedom. He described the carnage in gruesome detail. “First, the alt-right went and murdered a bunch of peaceful Muslim worshipers. But that was only the start of the real battle. Next, me and my liberal squadron went in to defend the victims. A troop of white nationalists called us cucks for refusing to conflate the worshipers with terrorists. I shot back with that ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ song. Then a guy with a Confederate flag profile photo said this was just ‘a taste of their own medicine,’ and another guy launched a MAGA even though he was from New Zealand.”

But Edward also reminded his grandson that both sides were not without blame in this war. “We caused frequent civilian casualties, especially whenever we accused moderate conservatives of being Nazis.”

Many times, the fascists made great advances, with increased real-world attacks on mosques and synagogues. But their greatest push forward was when they left their bunkers on the chan boards and forged ahead into mainstream culture on Facebook. However, they have been recently forced to retreat, due to soldiers mounting heavy pressure on General Zuck.

Grandpa’s story ended with a heavy-handed lesson about what happens if we let fascism grow unabated, and how we must never repeat the mistakes from our past. At this point, however, young Wyatticus had tuned out the story in search of dank memes.

By William Boffa