Jacksonville, FL —
Multiple media entities in the state of Florida issued a joint statement today reminding citizens which state they were in, after nearly two whole days without an embarrassing news story. The statement reads:
Residents and guests of Florida,
As you may have noticed, the news from across the state has been lacking in ridiculous stories. It has been over 48 hours since we have had news of someone doing something that made us ashamed to live here. There have been some crazy stories out of Alabama, two from Montana and even one from Rhode Island. But here in the Sunshine State, as far as we can tell, everyone has been living responsible, sensible lives. To avoid losing our reputation, we encourage all of you to think about our great state and go do some dumb shit.
At press, time there had been reports of a naked man, possibly high on bath salts, wrestling a crocodile on a golf course, and a woman shooting her husband and his boyfriend because they ate her coleslaw at Applebee’s.