Washington, D.C. —
The Department of Education announced this week that it has calculated that all student debt could be paid off by the year 5395. Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, told reporters, “Based on current projections of increasing student loan debt, in addition to how much is being paid off each year, Americans should be able to have their debt completely paid off some time around the end of the 54th century. Of course, this is based upon parameters that we can foresee, such as mass job automation and human eradication after the singularity.”
Critics of DeVos say national student loan debt could be eradicated by 3208 if debtors put in more than the minimum monthly payment. This criticism has been met with mixed reviews, with those in favor believing debtors in financially stressful situations need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get a second or third job to tackle their financial woes. Naysayers believe paying more than the minimum is un-American in principle and will be detrimental to the economy, taking away necessary income from the creditors that make this country so great.
The Department concluded, “We look forward to the diminishing numbers of educational debt over the coming millennia, and hopefully we will get there before being completely enslaved by our imminent robot overlords.”
By Zach Englund