Victoria, BC —

After perusing a café menu for several minutes, mother Wendy Rogers struck dread into her family after saying, “Oh, this looks good!” while pointing at the listing for an Acai Quinoa Bowl. “This is bad,” said daughter Clowance Rogers, 26. “There are about seven different ways she could pronounce acai quinoa, and at least five of them are going to be a hot mess. I don’t like our odds.”

Wendy’s son Thomas, 28, blamed the bistro’s management for entrapping customers with this menu item. “The café must know that classy middle-aged mothers will go apeshit for a granola with TWO superfoods in the title. And they know that every single one of them is going to butcher the pronunciation. This has got to be some kind of sick joke.”

At press time, Wendy’s two children were seen grimacing in agony as the waiter approached.

By William Boffa