London, England —

The U.K. is about to begin celebrating a uniquely British holiday known as Last Week of May. We met with Dr. Jerome Citron, Professor Emeritus of British Holidays at Oxford University, for more details.

What does Last Week of May commemorate, and when does it begin?
It commemorates the Last Week of May and it begins on June 1st.

Why would a holiday called Last Week of May begin on June 1st?
Why wouldn’t it? Also, it has to begin on June 1st because it ends on June 7th.

I see. Moving along. How will Britons celebrate Last Week of May?
The same way we celebrate most holidays: by drinking gallons of beer, wrapping ourselves in a Union Jack, weeing all over something, then vomiting uncontrollably.

I suppose that explains why you’re wrapped in a Union Jack. What would a Briton typically pee all over to celebrate Last Week of May?
Well, before you arrived, I drank a half keg of Tennent’s then weed out the fourth floor window onto a passing student’s head. 

That sounds like a great way for men to celebrate, but probably difficult for women?
Not for British women.

On the way down from London I noticed many people out in the streets screaming “Bye Theresa!” I assume that, translated into American, they mean “Bye Felicia,” and that it’s a sly allusion to the American film “Friday?”
No. “Bye Theresa!” means “Bye Theresa!” Translated into American it also means “Bye Theresa.” It’s not a sly allusion to a damn thing other than “Bye Theresa!”

This interview has raised more questions than it’s answered. Would you mind if we return another time to…

[This interview ended abruptly when Dr. Citron began vomiting uncontrollably]

By Joe Lichtblau