As bad as Nigel Clifford looks on paper, with long, unexplained gaps in his work history and a resume littered with stints at a hodgepodge of short-lived jobs, in reality he is far, far worse.
“When you meet Nigel,” said a source who described herself as a “permanently former acquaintance,” “you get a vague, general sense of foreboding. But that pretty quickly turns into a very specific sense of foreboding.”
Another source, who wished to remain anonymous, described Clifford as “talented at being annoying and an avid collector of restraining orders.”
According to Carl Young, one of the few people willing to admit to knowing Clifford more than a few months, “Nigel comes across as this obnoxious, rude person who you’re embarrassed to be around anywhere, ever. But then, as you get to know him, you realize he is much more God-awful than that. By the way, if you see him, please remind him that he owes me $572.”
Clifford shrugged off his detractors, calling himself “Woefully misunderstood.”
“If only these people would truly get to know me,” he said, “they’d see that, far from being some kind of miserable failure or pathetic loner, I’m actually an incredibly destructive guy who will most likely expose you to life-altering trauma if you give me half a chance.”
By Joe Lichtblau
You’re screwed. I’ve hired Rudolf Giuliani and you can expect to receive a letter from him tomorrow.