Louisville, KY —

Speaking at an event in his hometown, Republican Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell assuaged concerns about climate change by reminding the crowd that it will likely not kill anyone, except maybe a few of the poor ones.

“If these UN reports on climate change are true, it paints a very bleak picture of the future,” confessed McConnell. “Food shortages. Droughts. Extreme weather events. All things that will be devastating for losers with no money – but not for you, you prosperous entrepreneurial champions.”

Next, he methodically went through every forecast of climate change and explained how they could all be solved with money. “Say food production goes down. The price of food skyrockets. You know whose problem that is? Poor people’s. Floods? That’s a problem if you’re on the ground. Not if you’re a hardworking American who can afford to build a 100-foot lighthouse.”

The rural Kentucky crowd expressed excitement at the news that they were rich enough to overcome such a global catastrophe. “If global warming’s coming, things look pretty bad for the commoners,” admitted Misa Ahmedov, a registered Republican. “But that ain’t me. I was able to save for a new dirt bike in just a few years. The climate disaster isn’t going to hit for at least ten years. That should give me enough time to rig my trailer out with a bunker, some non-perishable beans, and an electric fence that keeps out the minorities.” Another supporter at the rally chimed in: “I’m just glad to learn I’m not actually as poor as I thought I was. Otherwise, I might have had to do something about all this.”

By William Boffa