Washington, D.C. —
In an effort to curb the reheating of seafood in the workplace, the United States Supreme Court voted unanimously on Thursday that all dipshits who are found guilty of committing such an atrocious offense could face the death penalty.
Newly-elected Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh spoke on the high court’s ruling. “I don’t know how this issue got so bad that it reached the Supreme Court. But we all agreed reheating seafood does not belong in the work environment. In all honesty, seafood should never be reheated. It’s fucking gross. The death penalty seems drastic, but those of you who have experienced a coworker microwaving the shit out of his shrimp Alfredo leftovers understand how serious this issue really is.”
Justice Kavanaugh continued, “We’ve all been there. I remember the first time I experienced this at work. I was minding my own business, just trying to get through another mundane workday, hungover AF, when suddenly, one of the most disgusting smells just punched me right in the face. And let me tell you, I’ve smelled some disgusting smells before, believe me,” Kavanaugh chuckles. “The smell was so bad that at first I couldn’t decide if it was coming from my slutty coworker Sara who slept her way through the office or from that dickhead Adam in IT who was excited about his monthly dinner to the good ol’ Olive Garden. Seriously, Olive Garden? Anyway, the smell is so terrible you have to fight the intense urge to go apeshit on the inconsiderate fuck who brought their seafood leftovers to work and had the genius idea of nuking the shit out of them. Well, worry no more. The Supreme Court has your back. Today’s ruling is a clear warning to all you dumbfuck seafood reheaters: do you want to live or do you want to microwave your seafood leftovers at work? The choice is yours, assholes.”