Olympia, WA —

Members of Generations Y and Z have expressed intentions to organize a political revolution, despite the fact that the act of organizing simple phone calls induces crippling anxiety.

Olympia native Polly Brown, a Gen-Xer, has witnessed the spectacle within her own family. “My younger brother was like, ‘Voting isn’t enough. We need to organize, run local candidates, and take back the country for the people!’ Doug, you can’t even organize a group Christmas present because it’s too emotionally draining. Get your shit together.”

Bryan Lynn, a recent college graduate, hasn’t spoken on a telephone since he was six years old. He told us that in between spells of debilitating paralysis, poor eating and washing habits, and ignoring his inbox for several days at a time, he has moments of serious ambition for establishing a working-class uprising in his spare time.

At press time, Lynn’s friends were expecting him at a political rally, but ended up missing him after he got overwhelmed and went offline for 24 hours.

By William Boffa