Bonding with your beloved pet is an important aspect of your human-animal relationship. Sure, you’ve communed by taking long walks with Daisy or by stroking Minnie as she purrs contentedly in your lap.
But now it’s time to up the ante – nothing says “we’re best buds” like snarfing down a struggling North American swallow with your furry friend!
However, you’ll need to take a few preparatory steps before you and the labradoodle chomp pigeon together.
First, you should know that there is some risk of disease from eating uncooked bird meat and feathers. Consult your doctor for the species-dependent list of 732,000 parasitic, bacterial, fungal, amoebic, prion-borne, and viral avian-to-human illnesses you might catch from eating a live bird, of which only about 330,000 are generally fatal.
Second, you’re probably not used to getting down on the sidewalk and slurping up the quivering intestines of a still-breathing robin. Try warming up first by consuming anything people from Iceland would eat.
Third, your pet is probably not used to sharing food with a human. Ramp up slowly, by co-eating some dog turds or roadkill together. Sure, there will be a few tense moments, but no problem — a competent surgeon will be able to sew your lips back on in no time!
Welp, now you’re ready! Let your pet take the lead in snaring your precious feathery snack in his or her maw. And remember, be polite – nothing says “entitled human” like jumping in to chew the head off a squawking seagull without giving your furbaby time to tear out the delectable, blood-spurting lungs, liver, and heart.
Bon appétit! And here’s to sharing more enjoyable human-pet experiences, like catching rabies together, being run over by the same car, or the two of you both getting boned by that hot German Shepherd down the street.
By Joe Lichtblau, Image Edit: Emily Sanchez