Des Moines, IA –

As the assembled crowd along High Street watched in horror, the “Heterosexual Farmers“ float in today’s Straight Pride parade through downtown Des Moines collapsed beneath the weight of its two occupants.

EMs and laypeople along the sidelines jumped in to rescue the two victims, who were then hoisted by cranes into doublewide ambulances and rushed to area hospitals.

Arthur Durocher, a Windsor Heights resident involved with constructing the float, said he was “stunned” by the accident. “We built that float on a flatbed designed to tow double-decker buses and Mack trucks,” he said. “I am at a loss to explain how this happened.“

Lance Gladsby, one of the occupants of the doomed float, spoke to reporters from his super-large hospital bed at Iowa Lutheran Hospital. “I was jumping up and down to How You Remind Me,” the Nickelback song that was playing on the float’s sound system moments before the collapse. “Suddenly, I leaped an entire eighth of an inch off the floor. That’s around when it happened.“

This evening, several hours after the traumatic incident, Larissa Wallenhurst, the other victim, called in to talk radio KFAB.

“I just thank God both of us involved came away without heavy injuries,” said Ms. Wallenhurst. 

According to Ms. Wallenhurst, a metal rod penetrated almost 3 1/2 feet into her abdomen when the floor of the float fell through. “Praise the Lord, that rod didn’t come anywhere near my internal organs,“ she said “and now I’m just recovering with a few stitches in my side.“

“Straight Pride,” she continued, ”is a day of out-sized importance for the heterosexual residents of greater Des Moines, and this is a weighty moment for the humungous Straight Pride community.” Ms. Wallenhurst went on to say that she doubted anyone wanted to “discuss the elephant in the room,“ namely whether safety regulations would now set back the Straight Pride movement.

“After those people accidentally shot themselves in the Straight Pride parades last week in Murfeesboro, Salina, Tulsa, Knoxville, Fairbanks, Charlottesville, Waco, Jacksonville, Little Rock, Benton, Birmingham, Flagstaff, Biloxi, Joplin, Butte, Carbondale, Muncie, Scranton, Bismarck, Rapid City, Tuscaloosa, Sheboygan, Reno, Cheyenne, Matari, Provo, Beaumont, Dayton, Pensacola, and Louisville, and after Clarissa Slaughter’s polyester mumu caught fire in last year‘s Des Moines parade, I hope people don’t lose sight of the hefty importance of Straight Pride,” said Ms. Wallinghurst.

Ms. Wallinghurst wrapped up her call to the radio station saying she was looking forward to leaving the hospital soon and “settling down to a relaxing meal with my entirely straight family.“

By Joe Lichtblau