TORONTO —

Game six has ended in Oracle Arena in Oakland tonight, and the 2019 NBA Finals has come to an end with a lamentably victorious win for the Toronto Raptors. The team, along with the entire collective of Canada, have come forth to express their apologies for defeating the Golden State Warriors.

Nick Nurse, the Raptors coach, stepped up to the microphone mere moments ago for his apologetic acceptance speech. “We gave it our all this season, put our blood, sweat and tears into every game we played, and that is why we’re here as the champions today. Sorry about that. Truly. Perhaps we can share the trophy?” After another six minutes of apologizing, Nurse clarified that he was only doing this as the Canadian team’s coach, and that he, as a U.S. citizen, would never feel guilty for anything he has ever done.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau flew down to Toronto to join Mayor John Tory for an emergency joint speech expressing deep regret for this Canadian win. “This is a historic first win for our sole Canadian NBA team, and it marks a new day in Canada in which we need to apologize for doing something which has possibly made other people upset. It is our civic duty, as Canadians, to collectively stand in solidarity and express unnecessary remorse. Congratulations to the Raptors, and our condolences to anyone who has been impacted by this achievement we should be proud of.”

Written By Emily Sanchez and Andrew Froese

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