— Washington, D.C.

Alarms were sounding inside the Beltway this morning, after keepers found Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ cage empty, a full two weeks before her expected resignation.

“I’m sure she was in there at 3 AM, when I came by to feed her her usual breakfast of bull feces slathered with self-righteousness,” said Mark Kelleher, one of the crew tasked with tending to Sanders. “If she’s smart enough to figure out how to open the cage door, she could be anywhere.” The cage door, he said, has no lock, “but you do have to know to push it out, not in.”

Meanwhile, frightened D.C. residents are on the alert for signs that a loose Huckabee Sanders may be nearby. According to Chief of Police Peter Newsham, citizens should be on the lookout for: minimum wage earners praising the GOP tax bill; disabled persons claiming to have better health insurance after 2016; anyone claiming to pay lower prices on account of tariffs; and, large gatherings of individuals spouting complete nonsense.

As Chief Newsham explained, “Our detectives could not find any of those first three indications, but did find that last red flag, a huge group of people uttering shameless idiocies. Unfortunately, that just turned out to be Congress in session.”

By Joe Lichtblau