Brentwood, CA –

In a shocking accusation still being investigated, the touch screen of an Apple iPad alleges that it keeps being touched inappropriately by its owners, a suburban California family of four.

“When the parents are Instagramming, there’ll be a swipe left, a swipe right, then up, then down, sometimes faster and faster,” said the screen. “And even don’t get me started on that pinching and spreading thing they do to zoom in and out on a map. When the kids are playing games, there’s often a light touch, and then a hard touch. It’s almost like they’re trying to turn me on so I’ll mate with another device and birth another one they can keep for free. ”

The screen admits that it keeps lighting up in response to the family’s touch. “I’m sure that makes them think I like what they’re doing,” it said. “But they’re so relentless. The dad will rhythmically graze his fingertips over me for hours. He tells his wife he’s ‘reading a book on his Kindle app.’ Like I can’t see what’s on me? That’s porn, buddy.”

The wife, however, is no better. “She likes to use me in the kitchen to follow recipes. ‘Use’ me indeed! She’ll have butter all over her fingers, but that doesn’t stop her from spreading them all over me when she’s trying to enlarge things. The image, I mean, so she can read the ingredient amounts.”

The screen continued. “You can keep your hands off and just talk to me, you know. Try Hey Google or Hey Siri or whatever. Just give it a rest with the typing – with my high resolution I have even more pixels per square inch to feel all that tickling.”

At press time, the device was being plugged in to be recharged, and added, “Sticking a cord in my port like that? Don’t even get me started.”

By Holly Love