The ever-increasing prospect of war between the United States and Iran reached a new high today, after Iranian President Rouhani publicly denounced actor Keanu Reeves.

“The West is a sick place, and this is exemplified in no better way than Keanu Reeves,” said the Iranian leader. “I don’t get it. Everyone acts like this infidel is God’s gift to the world just because he’s humble, genuine, treats people with courtesy, and has starred in some of the best movies of the last three decades. Screw that guy!”

The response from the public was prompt. “I was initially against our constant imperialist goading of foreign nations,” said one American, “but no longer. Anyone who talks bad about my man Keanu deserves the full force of the United States military.”

It’s unclear whether Reeves has heard the news, and if so, whether or not he plans to go full Neo or John Wick on Iran. Regardless, the public outcry has perhaps been the most unifying time in all of American history. Almost everyone of all ages, genders, races, and political affiliations have come together to send a message: “If you fuck with Keanu, you fuck with all of us.”

But while 99.6% of the population now favors completely erasing Iran from existence, we did reach out to members of the 0.4% who still opposed military action. “You guys,” said one of the last remaining pacifists, “we can’t resort to hate and violence. It’s not what Keanu would have wanted.”

By William Boffa