We know you were hoping for more. However, after carefully analyzing your DNA using autosomal testing, it has been determined that you ain’t shit. Of course, you didn’t need a DNA test to tell you this. You could have just asked your ninth grade gym teacher, or any of your friends, except your buddy, Rick, who still needs rides to the employment office. We did trace your ancestry to some wildly beautiful places, rich in culture and history. We also found some truly remarkable people in your lineage. None of this seems to have translated into making you into much of anything. Sure, you have innate value as a human being, but you came to us hoping that you would be able to assign value to your existence by figuring out your ancestral ethnicity, your familial history. Sorry, friend. Life is about choices, and so far you’re a Choose Your Own Adventure with only bad endings.

By Emily Cohen