Now that we’re in the middle of summer, you probably have plans to go out, hit the beach, see nature, and maybe find a summer romance. But some of us may be reluctant to participate in these things, because they never got a chance to get their perfectly toned summer testicles. If you’re one of those people, don’t worry! There’s still time to give summer your spiciest scrote.
1) Keep them properly nourished
You can’t expect your family jewels to thrive if you’re not feeding them essential fatty acids and proteins. Be sure to give your testicles lots of leafy green vegetables, beans, lentils, and fish. They may be reluctant to eat it, but this can usually be overcome with some encouragement. Avoid cheeses, eggs, red meat, and sugary foods. They might be tempting, but they’ll go straight to your sack. You know what they say: A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the nads.
2) Low weight, high reps!
When hanging weights off your cojones, you want to go with something low (under 15 lbs.) but use many repetitions. This will create the perfect tone for bouncing around at the beach. Many people make the mistake of starting off with a 40-lb. weight, but remember, while this will increase muscle, it’ll leave you with a bulky bulge – and nobody wants to run away into the sunset with that.
3) Regular inspections
You’re going to want to monitor your progress from every angle, multiple times a day – think Captain Morgan with a mirror. Tug on them every now and then, and observe how it naturally retracts. If you can’t get each nut below 1.5″ x 1.2″ x 0.9″, going out in public will be embarrassing. Getting the perfect tightness and perkiness isn’t easy in warm weather, but remember: no pain, no gain!
4) Drink lots of water while trimming those hedges
People still make the mistake of thinking that over-hydration will add too much water weight to your testicles. In fact, drinking lots of water reduces food cravings, keeps your testicles functioning as a baby-making powerhouse, and lowers your body temperature, thereby preventing your groin from naturally producing vinegar in the summer.
5) Cheat day!
Thought getting the perfect summer sack was going to be nonstop hard work? Wrong! You can still get good results while taking one day out of the week to relax. Always remember, you are the snack. Take a break, treat your balls to some Wendy’s, have some fun pressing them against different inanimate objects. Self-care is important.
6) Supplements and injections
While many people are afraid to go the route of Botox, the truth is that it has proven results. If you want to get noticed this summer, you have to go the extra mile. Do you really think you’re going to find Ms. Right based off your personality alone? Give me a break. There are millions of men out there with better rocks than you, and if you’re complacent, you’re going to wind up at the bottom of the testicle hierarchy. Needle up, buddy.
No matter what, remember that all testicles are beautiful, and if you treat them with love, they will love you right back. Whether you have just one or a full set, we hope they have a wonderful summer. And if you’re realizing it’s too late for you, we’re sure it simply means your winter testes are ready to go.
By William Boffa and Emily Sanchez