As part of a panel discussion on climate change featuring leading scientists and guys named Ted, the earth bragged to its captivated audience that it is just getting started. “Oh, you think this is global warming? I haven’t even really started yet. This is the prelude, an overture, if you will. But, yes — by all means — continue to package *every* *little* *thing* in plastic. Enjoy your SUVs that average a whopping 25 mpg. Go ahead and vote for politicians who drill in the Arctic. Please, I wouldn’t want you to feel the burden of actually having to take your McDonald’s cups with you when you leave the beach, or dropping your trash in the garbage can located three feet behind you. Forget about recycling. Rinsing out all those plastic single-serve yogurt containers. It’s too much work, and you are far too adorable for that.”

Letting out a big, bellowing laugh, Earth taunted the room, “You talk about me like I am delicate, helpless — some of you even seem to be worried about me. I am here to tell you that you should be more worried about yourselves. I will survive. I was here before you, and I will be here long after you have overstayed your welcome. Do you honestly think YOU are clever enough to destroy ME?” Momentarily forlorn, Earth added, “I do feel just awful about the pandas, though. But alas, the innocents always suffer.”

As Ted grew uncomfortable, Earth maniacally went on, “Every hurricane will make you feel like you’re living in Puerto Rico, the ice caps will melt, and you’ll long for the meager 8.9 earthquakes I’ve given you. My sun will literally melt your faces. Then, just before the sea levels rise above your puny, greedy heads — maybe you will look back on this day fondly as I warned you that I was just getting warmed up.”

By Emily Sanchez

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay