Zack: Zack is the first employee I meet in the Amazing Adult Emporium in Providence, Rhode Island, and wow! He obviously wants sex right there in the store, which is why I ask Zack to help me put on my new cock ring. Zack says no, he’s only there to ring me up, but you can tell that by “ring me up” he means help me put on my new cock ring. However, judging from Zack’s reaction after I ask him eight more times, then jump over the counter and begin rubbing my crotch in his face, I may have misread Zack.
Anthony: Anthony is a hot, burly Italian who probably has enough chest hair to carpet my apartment, but who knows, it’s all hidden beneath his sexy Providence Police uniform. Somehow Anthony has sensed how much I love being handcuffed — impressive! When Anthony calls the place a “sex toy store,” he reminds me of my grandmother, especially if my grandmother were 245 pounds, packing a Glock, and booking me into Providence Police Area D.
Hon. Clay Crawford: Judge Crawford is a black guy, so you know he’s super hung and probably appreciates it when people recognize that. To get on the judge’s good side, when he asks how I want to plead I say, “I’m pleading for your huge, black cock.” Judge Crawford clearly likes me because he just ordered me to be handcuffed again.
Melissa: Melissa, my public defender, is dressed in a severe pants suit and has a get-me-a-manager, no-ice-in-my-water, is-that-supposed-to-be-funny lesbo-type haircut, so you’d think she’d just answer the question when I ask if she chomps the puss, instead of getting all indignant. And by the way, it’s pretty difficult to make “defendant pleads guilty to all charges” sound lesbo, but Melissa manages to do it.
Montell: Montell is a Probation Officer and Defendant Liaison with the Rhode Island Sex Offender Registration Board. Wow, Montell, that’s a big title! What else is big? Montell is OK with questions like that because he hears them all the time. Montell is less OK with whispered voicemails on his cell phone at 3 AM. Well, Montell, maybe I was at a library at 3 AM and had to whisper. Maybe I belong to a religious order that whispers first thing in the morning. Maybe I accidentally butt-dialed you when I just happened to be saying whispery-type stuff. I’m disappointed Montell didn’t consider those possibilities.
Dr. Hannah Czernowitz: Dr. Czernowitz is the State’s expert witness at my Sexually Dangerous Person trial, and boy is she
Glenn: Glenn is my roommate at the Rhode Island Treatment Center for Sexually Dangerous Men. Glenn has a lot of interesting stories to tell about scenic New England highways and the people he’s known who happen to be buried near them. Glenn also has a chiseled face and great, masculine build. Honestly, I’d be much more attracted to Glenn if he hadn’t castrated himself. Well, those are some of the interesting people I met while buying my new cock ring.
I’m looking forward to meeting new people when I go out to buy a new sex sling, in 2039.
By Joe Lichtblau