Bend, OR  —

A police report out of Bend, Oregon this evening detailed the events of a domestic dispute involving John Nader and his longtime girlfriend, Dana Chambers, which resulted in Mr. Nader being rushed to the hospital with possible broken ribs and a severe concussion. John Nader and his girlfriend Dana Chambers were arguing over dishes. According to Ms. Chambers, she had reached her breaking point over John’s inability to wash dishes correctly. Mr. Nader was quoted as telling Dana the unthinkable – he told Dana to “calm down.” And, if that wasn’t enough, Mr. Nader further fuelled Dana’s rage by courageously saying she was acting “ridiculously insane.”

Dana was placed in handcuffs and escorted to the police station downtown while John was taken to an ER nearby. “I can’t believe he had the nerve to tell me to calm down and then call me insane!” Dana told one of the officers. “That’s when I snapped and smashed that fucker’s ribcage and head with the dirty frying pan he couldn’t wash right to save his pathetic life. I mean, can you blame me? What a dick.”

“Looking back, I probably could’ve phrased things differently, but god dammit if the bitch wasn’t acting crazy.” John informed the police officer from his hospital bed, the painkillers finally kicking in. “I even gave myself a little pep talk first because I knew telling a woman to calm down was a very risky thing to do. I told myself, ‘You can do this, John. Stay strong. She’s acting crazy and needs to calm down. You know how to wash dishes. The whole point is that you’re washing the goddamn things, right? You’ve got this!’ So I just bravely went for it and, well, we all know how that turned out: two broken ribs and a concussion. Fucking wonderful.”

It isn’t clear at this time if John will be pressing assault charges against Dana. “I just want to enjoy these pain killers and my freedom again.”

By Catricia