Greetings fellow citizens. I’ve noticed a lot of political discourse lately between the right and left. It is all very adorable. Sometimes it’s hard to see an end in sight to the bickering. But rest assured, I am here and I am Libertarian. Many people ask me what I, a Libertarian, believe in. I can tell you that I’ve read the Wikipedia page about Libertarianism, and there is a lot of information there, but mostly I believe in laughing at all of you, because you are all just so ridiculous, and I am Libertarian.

I’ve been hearing talk from the left about “dog whistles” and “white nationalists.” Ah, I chuckle. Everyone calm down and quit taking racism so seriously. Does racism still exist, or is racism a thing of the past? We may never know. But I am here now, a Libertarian, to offer nothing substantive whatsoever. The right speaks of “fake news” and the “deep state.” Have they all gone insane? Probably, but they like money, and so do I. Stay away from my money, damnit! I digress.

Folks, listen, we are a free people. As a libertarian, I’m pretty sure I believe in free thought, and liberty. Definitely liberty. But for the sake of me not having to laugh maniacally at all of you, let’s try and keep the discussion light. For I am but a man; a Libertarian man, and none of this affects me. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle, as the voice of reason, to split the vote and fuck everybody.

By Tommi Becker