San Diego, CA —

According to a new Facebook post, heifer Alicia Jones has started a new diet again. Yes, again. This time, however, the diet will be different, and she will actually lose the weight gain she blames on her pregnancy from eighteen years ago. She will finally keep it off this time, not like the other thirty diet attempts her lard ass had tried before. The sounds of groans and despair from her friends in reaction to Alicia’s Facebook announcement of her new egg-only diet could be heard in unison from around the world. So far she has lost six friends and counting.

Brad Murphy, a long-time friend of Alicia’s stated, “We all love our little porker, but I had to unfriend her. I just can’t go through another one of her diets again. Not right now, anyway. It’s only been five weeks since the baked potato diet and that was a fucking shitshow. I’m still recovering from that one. The incessant complaining after yet another failed diet attempt is just as unbearable.”

Nora White, another annoyed friend chimed in, “We all want her to feel better, improve her health, see her vagina again, and increase her self confidence, but goddamn we’re sick of hearing about it and oh good God don’t even get me started on all the non-stop Facebook posts. We can only be so supportive, you know? Join a gym. Get a trainer and start exercising. I don’t know but a good start would be to stop shoving your face full of the worst foods ever. An egg only diet? You’re going to eat eggs for an entire month straight? For fuck’s sake, Alicia. I swear, the only thing she’s losing is friends.”

By Catricia