San Juan, Puerto Rico— 

Accused of corruption and mired in scandal, Puerto Rico’s embattled governor, Ricardo Rosselló, announced that he would step down in exchange for a plain paper bag containing $50M in small, unmarked bills.

“For the good of the Commonwealth, the people, and my family, I will resign,” said Rosselló. “Leave the bag in the third stall of the public men’s room on the first floor of the Governor’s Mansion — I’ll be standing at one of the urinals.”

“My departure from office will become effective as soon as I can clean out my desk, and count to fifty-million by tens and twenties. The one thing I will miss the most, other than the steady supply of envelopes, trash barrels, garbage bags, car trunks, bowls, vases, lunch bags, and courier sacks over-flowing with Benjamins, will be working for you, the Puerto Rican people, as your humble and dedicated servant. Adiós!”

By Joe Lichtblau