Manhattan, NY —

In a daring bid to keep their client out of prison, Jeffrey Epstein’s legal team is said to be plotting a strategy to convince jurors that a sex trafficking violation is really just a traffic violation with sex.

An anonymous insider claims Epstein’s attorneys intend to select only jurors who have been caught speeding or running a red light, then make arguments such as these: 

“Now, some of you good jurors have been caught riding too fast by going fifteen over the limit. Well, just imagine that you did that while you also happened to be riding two fast, under-the-limit fifteen-year-olds.” 

“Others of you have been picked up for driving through a red light in a school district. Well, just suppose that occurred after you picked up a school-child on your way through a red light district.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, every one of you law-abiding citizens has experienced the minor inconvenience of being stopped by an officer of the law, who took your license then returned it to you with a fine. The only difference in Mr. Epstein’s case is that he never let any laws stop him from conveniently taking license with minors, and was fine with returning to do that.”

“As you can see, Mr. Epstein’s little run-in with the law is just like yours, except the words are in a different order. He’s hardly any different from you upstanding folks.”

By Joe Lichtblau