A new report out of Washington, D.C. found that the name “Ian” is pretty weird when you think about it. Researchers described the level of weirdness as “pretty weird, I guess. I mean, not really, but if you look at it for long enough or say it over and over, then a little bit.” The report found that despite the name remaining prevalent in the United States, the name ‘Ian’ is not only weird because it’s oddly short, but also because the word itself looks kind of like a dinosaur when you rotate it to the left. The report also found that no one knows where the fuck the name came from, what its root is, or whose idea it was to start calling people that. It’s almost as though one guy had an idea for a succinct, vowel-heavy children’s name and it just kind of caught on for no particular reason. After a while, “Ian” didn’t even seem like a name anymore, just a mystical concept that everybody knew but nobody understood. While the report asked more questions than it answered, it did warn the public to stay away from any Ians they knew, until they could figure out what the hell was going on.
By William Boffa