Podcast dated 5/14/19

Portland, OR ⁠—

“Good Afternoon, listeners. Today we have a special treat for you. We are here with Chris Matthews, who was granted a rare interview with the One and Only, Lord All Mighty, God, and we get to hear a clip from that interview! Chris, please tell us how you stumbled upon an INTERVIEW WITH GOD.”

“I had been trying to book God on my show for years, but my people never heard from His people. Call it great timing, or just plain dumb luck. God was clearing out old voicemails and paused for our invitation. Turns out He is a fan of the show and bing bang boom, we scheduled a sit-down.”

“Wow, you must feel incredibly flattered. And thank you again for being here today. Let’s start right in with the clip…”

Chris: Oh my! That is just super! So much happened in six days! Now, if we could move on from Genesis for a moment. You created light and the sky and all the living creatures, then Adam and Eve. Fast forward to today’s diverse variety of humans. I’m curious, which of us is your favorite?

Lord God All Mighty: First of all, Chris, say it don’t spray it. Creating humans is a challenge. Consider me a baker. It takes an exact measurement of quality ingredients to make a quality human. Thus far, there has been one human creation I consider My greatest, and that creation is Danny DeVito. It was inspired, the way I completely winged the recipe. I really should have written it down because I’ve struggled to replicate him ever since. The trick is just the right amount of Cherub. Two teaspoons? Two Tablespoons? Ack, I can’t remember for the eternal life of Me!

One time, I added salt instead of Cherub and created Alex Jones. Thy Lord apologizes profusely for that and asks the same forgiveness granted each of you. On that note, I command thee to label all canisters appropriately.

A smidge too much Cherub and not enough baking powder gave us Patton Oswalt. So close. But Patton doesn’t exude the same magic as Danny, you know? There’s just something about Danny. I can’t keep my eyes off him! Have you seen him in that Philadelphia show? I just want to pinch all of him!

Chris: Yes, God, Danny is very enjoyable. Kudos to you, Lord. I mean, there’s Mother Theresa and Gandhi, but I suppose they don’t have the same entertainment value to carry us through the ages.

Lord God All Mighty: Chris, I asked for the news, not the weather. Theresa and Gandhi are here with me and, it’s true, they are quite boring and much too thin. Not enough Cherub, you see. But let’s not get into who does what for the ages. I love all my children. However, nobody holds a candle to Danny DeVito, my greatest human creation. As was stated in Matthew 3:17, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

By Tommi Becker