Allston, MA

Bolting awake early this morning before sunrise, local man Jerry Whittle suddenly remembered that he had thoughtlessly locked a helpless pizza slice in his refrigerator two hours earlier.

“I could not believe my own cruelty,” he recounted, recalling his mad dash to the kitchen to rescue the forsaken Neapolitan triangle he had so callously imprisoned.

Witnesses say the the pizza slice, a saucy, cheese-speckled number alluringly dotted with pepperonis, immediately began screaming for help at the top of its little mozzarella lungs as soon as it was incarcerated.

The slice itself described in vivid terms its traumatic two hours in the cold.

“First, I was viciously torn from my pie and buried in a box. Then I was abandoned in a barren arctic wasteland, with no one to keep me company except a deceased banana and some old crab rangoons that didn’t even speak Sicilian.”

Witnesses to the joyful 3 AM reunion between man and slice say both wept copiously as they gazed longingly at each other in the flickering kitchen light.

At press time, after repeated calls to the slice for an update had gone unanswered, a spokesperson called to say that the slice would have no further comment on the matter, ever.