Congress To Ban Gatherings Of Three Or More Until ‘Whole Mass Shooting Thing Calms Down A Bit’

Washington, D.C. —

Graciously reaching across the aisle, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has proposed a bill that would temporarily ban all gatherings of three or more people in the wake of the tragedies in California, Texas, and Ohio. Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has agreed to back the legislation stating, “It will feel nice for all of us if we finally get something done. This isn’t what we want, but it’s a start.”

The proposed ‘Loner Bill’ will give police the authority to forcibly break up all public gatherings, and certain private ones, of three or more people. In a joint statement, NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre and McConnell explained that, “These wack jobs will have a much tougher time hosing you down if you quit hanging out and going places where there are other people. So, just until this whole mass shooting thing calms down a bit, we’re going to ask you to scatter.”

By Emily Sanchez